Life

My life is just crazy. I've always wondered what in the heck I'm going to do with my life and I've come to find out that my life is figuring out the same thing.

My Life : What am I going to do with Vincent? Sheesh. He's all over the place! When will he finally settle down so I can do something productive with him?

I know how you feel, Life. I've been asking myself the same question for quite some time now. I don't know when I'm going to calm down, yet at the same time I never have time to do anything - not even calm down! All I do is work, sleep, work, pray, spend time with brenna, sleep, work, eat, work, work more, blog, think about working or eating or sleeping... ugh.

The worst thing in my life right now is my relationship, which just so happens to be the best thing in my life. Sad thing is I think it's on the rocks. I've pushed and pushed to be stable, but with her situation it's hard to make any headway aginst the current. She's constantly confused and in the process confusing me!

I asked her the other day if the relationship was too much for her to handle right now with the way her life is, she couldn't give me a straight answer. We hardly see eachother recently, but it seems to be picking up. For how long? I am plain scared, honestly. I'm so afraid I'm the rebound guy, but at the same time I feel an energy there that I know is right. Am I just too scared to fail again?

People always ask me "How's she doin?" but truth is I have no clue in the world. She's so guarded, so confused. I'm always one to litterally know what a woman wants. I've got the best woman advice in the world, raised by my mother alone. I'm very in touch with my feminine side, but with as confused as she is she actually gives me a challenge. Her mood swings, temper and attitude constantly have me second guessing everything I do with her. I like it. Strange? You bet. I like not being able to figure out what to do next. It's a challenge for me. She's wonderful that way.

We enjoy our time together, even if it's just sitting next to eachother and watching a movie. She recently started playing the SIMS, so that took away from our last meeting together, but then again I was busy playing Prince of Persia (she was busy, after all) so I didn't mind that much. The rest of the time I was spending with Kyla, her 1 year old daughter whom I'm proud to say I'm a stand in parent for. She just took her first unsupported steps almost a week ago... it sounds corny but they grow up so damn fast...

I want to be able to fixate my eyes on the goal, but I'm so afraid of failing. I put myself out there with so many people so many times that it's just insane to think that this time will be any different. I have a gut feeling, as always, that I'm going to fall down on my face, get back up, weep and get over it and move on to do it again. There's no stopping it. History just repeats itself.

Work is getting to be a pain in the ass. Promises unfufiled, but plenty of donuts. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but I'm getting tired of it. I have a prospect at a well paying job, but the person I'd have to deal with on a daily basis is turning more and more into a judgemental prick, God bless him. He's constantly on my case about how I live my life. Though I know it's mostly out of concern but it gets to a point I just don't want to hear it anymore. These people, the church, have such high hopes for me but I don't have the same goals anymore. I'm content to live my life and pray to God and thank him for the freedom he's given me, but other than that I just don't want to move forward with them. They put so much pressure on me, it makes me want to back up and put my hands in the air knowing I'm going to fail what they expect me to be. I hate failing...

Life is just life, I guess. There is no slowing down. There is no calm. It's just life. It happens, and it too shall pass... just like everything else.