Insignifigant Signifigance

So things have been a little balanced lately. Is this supposed to be a good thing? I've got alot of things going good and bad, and you would think they could be balanced by saying 'Well I've not got it all bad, after all I've got X this and X that' but to be honest I find myself focusing more on the bad than the good. That's the way things always go though. That's what we're created to be like. We are created to see dispair. We are created to be anxious and impatient and to disregard that which is truely important. Joy.

Praise God for Joy. If it wasn't for Joy I'd be sitting in a corner somewhere soaking in my own self loathing, fear, anxieity, depression, dispair and possibly a little bit of self erotisim (What? I'm not egotistical, I'm just narcisistic!) but with Joy I realize that it's all going to be over eventually. Yes, everything is temporary. A wise man once asked his pupils to go out and come back with a phrase that would encompas everything in the world and the only thing they could come up with is 'This too shall end.' How true. How quaint. How utterly vauge and sadistic. I love it.

A friend of mine once said 'It takes the most balls for someone to stand up for what they believe in' (more or less, that's what he said rather) and I feel like expressing that here. This is the most honest and heart filled statement I've ever heard and I'll stand by it till the day I die. To stand in front of all who doubt you, all who critisize you and knock you down and still say "I'm right" is the most couragous thing anyone can ever do.

My relationship has been pretty awesome as of this date. Brenna and I have connected on many levels, many of which I never thought someone could understand me on. But that's the way it always seems, yes? That's the way it always goes. You start out, it's wonderful, it's magically delicious then you give the person just enough rope to hang you with and the next second you realize your boots can't reach the end table that's just inches away from your body dangling from the celing. How did it happen so fast? You never know. For some reason you're blinded by the sugary goodness that is love and the next you're disgusted with it entirely. Am I to say with this statement that I believe in any way that Brenna is going to hurt me? Am I to say with this ventful paragraph, which at it's true extent is a personal extention of my inner most thoughts, that I expect our relationship to end in disaster? Am I to compose my own death by hanging of a lucky charms marshmellow rope? Heavens no! I'm just expressing everywhere I've been before so perhaps I can count the stars in my cereal bowl when it's all said and done and can say 'History doesn't always repeat itself'.

Yet I still find myself wondering 'What's going to happen?' Although I'm sure at this moment that I'm not going to come to harm from her, what does the future hold? Most of what I've ever gone through with a woman came from a shot in the dark. That small insignifigant bullet sparked from a silenced 9MM that came through without a trace. Not doing any noticable damage, not being felt, but eventually caused so much internal bleeding things died within a moments notice. Instead of being a repairable amount of damage I then had a mass of signifigant turmoil that was incomprehenceable. I have faith that our relationship will come to a signifigant point, and that it will be blessed with happiness and prosperity without blood or turmoil but I just wish I could forget about all the other women I've (or have witnessed) killed.

I want to be free. I want to know what it's like to run in open fields without a care, or to cast away responsibility and go with the moment. To know that at any turn I could do no wrong for there is no wrong that could be done. I want to know what it's like to be able to express myself without fear of retaliation. My friend pushed me up aginst a wall and held me there the other day simply because I told him and the roommate he was fighting with that I was tired of hearing them argue. Calm tone, passing comment, yet none the less it trapped me in what could of been a much worse situation. He tells me he's tired of me never being at the house. He's tired of me always going over to 'my little girlfriends house' or that I never do anything around the house or that he can't play music when I'm asleep. Bless you. I've done plenty here. I've paid bills on time. I've paid rent on time. I put up 240 bucks when the electricity got shut off because he couldn't (rephrase : didn't) pay the bill. I've put food in the house. I've respected privacy of the house. I've cleaned up my own mess, done my own dishes, let the dogs in and out and at some points even fed them. Alot of which I didn't have to. The house was a wreck, yes. Was it my fault? No. Should I have to clean up someone elses mess? Should I have to stop seeing my girlfriend because he fights with his? Should I suffer insomnia due to loud music simply because I'm on a different schedule than him? I did my part, don't complain because your share was bigger. You strung your own rope of marshmellows.

I am not angry with him. I forgave him the second he let me off the wall. He is a good man with a troubled heart and doesn't know how to handle the situations he's in. Perhaps I was in the wrong some way or the other, and in such a case I apologized simply for the sake of his ideal but when you're fed up with something in a living arrangement with someone else you let that person know. There was no other way for me to say it and I had no time to sit and delve into details. I am sick of hearing the arguments. The cursing. The GD's. The name callings. The complaints. The violence. I've lived through enough of it and I deserve better for as much peace as I try to bring to those around me. I'm not the messiah.