What the hell is wrong with him?
A break up causes many questions, most of which will remain unanswered for the remainder of my time on this planet. There are a few things I know for sure, though. The first of this list would have to be, if she -was- lieing she even fooled herself. There were times where I couldn't deny that she tried to care. The way she encouraged me, helped me, taught me. But there are some things that she wanted that I just didn't possess and sadly that list is much longer than the things I know.
All my life I wondered what effect living on a mountain, cast away from society, would have on me. I now have those answers. The isolation combined with my grade / highschool experiences left me with little knowladge of the outside world, and even less hope for it. I quickly found solice in fantasy. Video Games, imagnative exploration of the woods or fields, and most prominent in my survival was the internet. But what is it that I am truely missing? I don't know how to act correctly in a crowd, my mind often breaks it's train of thought due to the fact I've never had to have cognative thought for extended periods of time, I'm often shy and extreemly akward around other people due to the fact that I am inexperienced with social nicities and because my demenor is majorly off kilter compared to most people. My jokes often fail to be funny to anyone save myself. I'm messy and can sometimes be very lazy. On top of all of it I have pathetic short term memory and due to the years upon years in front of a computer with my headphones on full blast I have hearing problems. The list does keep going, just not here.
Now one would think that realization of these problems would warrent solutions or at least attempts at such, but nothing of the sort is truely in line. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm not saying I can't sit or roll over, but for me to get over my insecurities of social gatherings and accecptance it's going to take alot more than just realizing that I'm screwed up. Most people don't seem to realize that a problem doesn't show it's own solution, you have to work out the equation until you get something that fits. The problem with that is I am absolutely horrible at math.
I'm not sure what to do, to tell the truth. The thoughts plauge my mind all the time. Worrying of how someone will react to a simple hello. Scared to hold someone because they might take it the wrong way, even if that someone is my girlfriend. Frightened to get upset because it might make someone else angry at me. I know that I should just follow instinct and deal with what comes, but the problem is I've lived isolated for so long that I don't have instinct, I just stinct. I even have trouble telling the crew workers that I'm supposed to be in charge of what to do, due the fact I don't want them to hate me for it. Some call that being empathetic, but honestly it's just fear of accecptance. It's not that I don't want to make them work, it's the fact that they wouldn't like me if I told them to do it. In my train of thought, dispite my best efforts, that ideal is usually number one.
A man of my age has goals, prospects, knowladge, power. I'm 22 years old, and I can't even keep a girl interested in me for more than 6 months. I can't meet full families at the same time because I'd do nothing but hide in the other room acting as if something else has my interest. I feint at a moments notice for no reason at all. I get depressed for no reason at all. I'm clingy due to the lack of love from childhood (which I recently found out is a very bad thing, go figure!), and because everything that ment something in my life has either left me, forced me to leave, or never showed interest at all. I'm pretty sure watching my mother go through 8 marrages, and never even knowing the name of my real father had a few good kicks to the psyche as well. Can anyone say fear of abandonment and/or being alone?
So that's the nutshell. I'm single too ladies! Line up at the door! Take a number! Heh.. heh heh... She's right. I'm not really that funny. =/
All my life I wondered what effect living on a mountain, cast away from society, would have on me. I now have those answers. The isolation combined with my grade / highschool experiences left me with little knowladge of the outside world, and even less hope for it. I quickly found solice in fantasy. Video Games, imagnative exploration of the woods or fields, and most prominent in my survival was the internet. But what is it that I am truely missing? I don't know how to act correctly in a crowd, my mind often breaks it's train of thought due to the fact I've never had to have cognative thought for extended periods of time, I'm often shy and extreemly akward around other people due to the fact that I am inexperienced with social nicities and because my demenor is majorly off kilter compared to most people. My jokes often fail to be funny to anyone save myself. I'm messy and can sometimes be very lazy. On top of all of it I have pathetic short term memory and due to the years upon years in front of a computer with my headphones on full blast I have hearing problems. The list does keep going, just not here.
Now one would think that realization of these problems would warrent solutions or at least attempts at such, but nothing of the sort is truely in line. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm not saying I can't sit or roll over, but for me to get over my insecurities of social gatherings and accecptance it's going to take alot more than just realizing that I'm screwed up. Most people don't seem to realize that a problem doesn't show it's own solution, you have to work out the equation until you get something that fits. The problem with that is I am absolutely horrible at math.
I'm not sure what to do, to tell the truth. The thoughts plauge my mind all the time. Worrying of how someone will react to a simple hello. Scared to hold someone because they might take it the wrong way, even if that someone is my girlfriend. Frightened to get upset because it might make someone else angry at me. I know that I should just follow instinct and deal with what comes, but the problem is I've lived isolated for so long that I don't have instinct, I just stinct. I even have trouble telling the crew workers that I'm supposed to be in charge of what to do, due the fact I don't want them to hate me for it. Some call that being empathetic, but honestly it's just fear of accecptance. It's not that I don't want to make them work, it's the fact that they wouldn't like me if I told them to do it. In my train of thought, dispite my best efforts, that ideal is usually number one.
A man of my age has goals, prospects, knowladge, power. I'm 22 years old, and I can't even keep a girl interested in me for more than 6 months. I can't meet full families at the same time because I'd do nothing but hide in the other room acting as if something else has my interest. I feint at a moments notice for no reason at all. I get depressed for no reason at all. I'm clingy due to the lack of love from childhood (which I recently found out is a very bad thing, go figure!), and because everything that ment something in my life has either left me, forced me to leave, or never showed interest at all. I'm pretty sure watching my mother go through 8 marrages, and never even knowing the name of my real father had a few good kicks to the psyche as well. Can anyone say fear of abandonment and/or being alone?
So that's the nutshell. I'm single too ladies! Line up at the door! Take a number! Heh.. heh heh... She's right. I'm not really that funny. =/
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