Just 1 hour till lunch...

What is it to grow up? To mature? When do we as a individual and a generation turn to eachother and go 'Ok, let's disband comfort and grasp reality' ?

Is it the moment you realize the difference between right and wrong? How about the moment you realize the what a difference a right can make instead of a wrong? Or is it that moment you realize how to teach others what you've learned?

Life has always been how to get from one point to another for me. Take a step. Looking a bit ahead. Take another step. Careful to not trip over anything. Don't lose my pace. Step again. I've always found that living day to day, meal to meal, or even mountain dew to mountain dew helps me get through each and every struggle I've ever had in life. Even as a child I can remember sitting in math class and looking at the clock on the wall

"Just 30 minutes till science"

Over the small amount of years I've lived I've hardly learned anything of true worth. I've got a million and one tidbits of useless information, a poetic heart, a huge vocabulary, a charismatic charm, a love for logics and analytical processes and fond love of a wide variety of music.

I've been many people in that time. In my closet hangs a military issue coat with my last name sewn above the pocket, which hangs next to a sleek leather jacket. The leather jacket, however, hangs next to a nice TruTree camo winter hunters coat. The denim jacket would be next, follwed by the black trenchcoat with nickel plated torso clasps.

I've been aginst God, and with him. I've loved people, and hated them. I've been a follower and a leader. I've been a counceler and a patient. A friend and a foe. A sucker and a con artist. Right and wrong.

But am I mature?

I find thoughts that run through my head that I disband to lack of necessity. I can look back on my life and instead of hide from it, I embrace it and realize I can't change a bit of it and not a single second matters. Instead of thinking life is comming at me, I realize that the past and future are happening at the same time as the present and I'm just along for the ride. I put need over want. I push the envelope just so I can abide by the rules.

And as much as I hate it, I enjoy it. I actually like following the rules.

But am I grown up?

I still have insecurities I doubt I'll ever get over with my own power. I'm sensitive on certen issues, I get grumpy alot and realize I don't know as much as I'd like to. I realize that certen things need to get done, but I still find myself waiting to the last minute to do them. I just don't blame it on the person who set the timespan anymore.

I quit smoking. I don't do drugs anymore. I don't drink and hardly listen to anything but uplifting music. I try my best not to get angry at people, and to keep my opinions to myself. I go to church, read the bible and speak about the gospel to anyone willing to listen. I find the rainbow after the storm to be worth the wait, no matter how much I hate how cold the rain feels. On top of it all I know why I do all these things, instead of being programed.

But I have no job. I have no car, I don't even have a lisence. I have a grand total of about 7 dollers to my name and can fit my entire life into two duffle bags.

So what does it all mean? What good is any of it if you have none of what is necessary? I've got a million and one life lessons, but I have no life. I've got a million and one answers, but nothing and no one has helped me with my questions. On top of all of it this blog will end up doing more harm than good. People will see it and instead of finding the real meaning I intend it to have, they will look down on it and say I'm weak or annoying. They will deem me nothing more than a whiny stain that wasn't able to get the establishment he should of had 6 years ago.

I don't blame anyone for where I am. I'm just asking how it got this far without someone stopping to reach thier arm out.

But is that mature? I don't know. But it's about 1 hour till my next Mountain Dew.